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Friday, July 16, 2010

Day One: Commitment

DAY ONE: There are many ways I could start off this blog. What the hell, lets just start with the basics. I'm an 18 year old girl named Stephanie who loves drawing and painting, I spend my extra time knitting and watching tv. My goals in life? The only thing I am mildly good at is art. Leave to me to want to paint and draw for a living. Well no, that's wrong. I really want to just sit on the computer for the rest of my life making animations. I want to be a computer animator. Its far to frustrating to even explain all my reasons for wanting to be one right now. Lets just get this introduction over with. I've made up my mind. I'm going to make a new commitment. This blog, this thing that seems to be the new thing to do.

I promise to post everyday. Will anyone read this? Of course not, why on earth would you spend your time reading this stupid crap that some girl rights? Far be if from me to assume that my writing is the best in this whole world. It's not. Whatever. The fact is that this is the only way i'm going to get anything done in my life. Journals and dairies are too annoying to keep me going. I can never keep one for much longer than a week, and this has to be the 10th blog i've tried to start. If it fails i'll just make a new one, if not, than good. I'm just mad today, i don't know why, i just am. Again i feel alone, but not because i'm an outcast, but because i just can't get close to anyone. This is stupid to just ramble on and on, but i don't care. No one around me can take the time to listen or hear what i say. I'm to scared to even say a single word to my friends. Its annoying how my own feels and emotions take so much control over me. I'm just mad. That's it, just mad. Crying helps but only a little. Once again i am here just rambling, hope someone will say something and listen but i doubt that its going to be that way. In truth i want to be popular.

I want to get people to see this and tell me how great it is and how they feel the same way. Something in me says "just make a blog, that way people will see you and talk to you and tell you how great you are, how much of a wonderful person you are, that you are beautiful and that you are perfect and that everyone loves you so much." that's what some voice in my head is telling me. It's annoying because it makes me feel fake. I guess i am fake foe feeling that. I am always nice and then i get so angry inside that no one gives me as much. i feel entitled to be give presents and complements all the time. What the fuck is wrong with me. I don't deserve any of that since i really haven't done anything worth such things. God look at me complaining and saying all this. Its the truth. Thats the part that sucks the most. Thats is what i feel inside. I'm jealous of all the girls around me. They are skinny and pretty, sexy, smart, and just have this glow around them that pulls people in. All i am is nice. No one sees more as anything more. No guys can get over the fact that i'm fat. I am fat. 220lb is FAT. God i want to get over all this vain feelings and just paint. But i can't, or i haven't. So i guess this is what my commitment will be. To post everyday that i can and just tell everything i am feeling. Along the way i'll post my art and my vlogs and just talk to the internet and anyone who reads this. So bring it on life. I'm going to keep up saying this, and just letting it all out. I'm done hiding.

This is one way to start i guess. Maybe with this i can make it to a point where i don't give a flying shit and just live, get over this crap and get out of high school. Ringling is the only place i want to be right now. I just want to a new air to breath, new people to see and feel. i want paint under my nails and grass in my hair. Geeze what the hell did i just write? I don't care. Read this if you want. Fuck off if you hate it. I'm tired of being the nice girl who doesn't say anything. I'm mad and today i'm going to stay mad and smile when i see someone. Fuck, what is wrong with me? My brain is going crazy. Well, i'm going to stop now. Thanks for reading? Idk. :/
-Stephanie.

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